


Without Him

by kams_log



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Romance, canon typical language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 21:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7861516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kams_log/pseuds/kams_log
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a Monday in every sense of the word. The sun was hidden behind blankets of dark, murky clouds. Rain fell throughout the day, creating puddles everywhere that conveniently splashed wherever there wasn’t. </p><p>It was the kind of day that most people spent indoors, safe and comfortable and warm, unconcerned with the weather that clearly had no concerns for them. </p><p>It was a day to stay inside, yet Castiel found himself drenched and shivering on a park bench in the middle of the city, and he had no intentions of moving.</p><p>He was in love. Damn it, he’d fallen in love... with Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Him

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in... forever. Wow. Okay. I hope you like it! Apologies for any mistakes. I'll edit later.

It was a Monday in every sense of the word. The sun was hidden behind blankets of dark, murky clouds. Rain fell throughout the day, creating puddles everywhere that conveniently splashed wherever there wasn’t. 

It was the kind of day that most people spent indoors, safe and comfortable and warm, unconcerned with the weather that clearly had no concerns for them. 

It was a day to stay inside, yet Castiel found himself drenched and shivering on a park bench in the middle of the city, and he had no intentions of moving.

He was in love. Damn it, he’d fallen in love... with  _Dean Winchester_.

His parents would be furious. Well, his mother would be. His father wouldn’t care less, would probably smack him on the back and ask what took him so long. His mother, on the other hand, would break her vow of pure language and swear strong enough to tear down the walls of the house. Half his siblings would hide and curse him for finally setting her off, the other half would whisper congratulations and join their father in the kitchen, pretending not to hide but definitely avoiding the hurricane Castiel would unleash.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Dean wasn’t even supposed to be his friend, let alone anything more. 

Castiel could remember when they were young, just neighbors across the street, and his mother warned him not to play with the oldest boy. His was too rowdy, too loud. She didn’t want her son to turn out like  _him_.

So naturally, Castiel avoided the boy. But the boy didn’t avoid him. Dean had spotted Castiel through the windows and tossed rocks at the glass until Castiel was so angry he opened his window to yell--and stopped short. 

Dean was a small boy, freckly and red faced. His eyes were green, and even from the upstairs bedroom window Castiel could see them. 

“What are you doing?” Castiel hissed, finally when his words came back to him.

“I wanna’ play with you!” Dean called back, waving his rocks in his hand. “Sammy won’t play and I got nobody else. Come on!”

Castiel had bitten his lip, glanced back at his room, then down at the street where Dean stood. He looked innocent enough, friendly too. Castiel didn’t see the harm in it, and he did remember overhearing his father say the Winchesters were a good family... even if his mother disagreed.

So Castiel went down to play. It was the beginning of the rest of their lives, playing through elementary school, fighting through junior high, two warriors against the rest of the world through high school, and now they were getting ready for college, and Castiel suddenly realized the truth that he’d been avoiding since the ninth grade.

He was in love with Dean. Dean, who blew strawberries on babies’ tummies, and always had to hold Castiel’s shoulder when he whispered secrets in his ear, and never forgot anyone’s birthday. Dean, who had a laugh like sunlight, and eyes that put the earth to shame. Dean, who made everything brighter just by walking into a room, and made Castiel’s heart hammer in his chest like it threatened to break free and join itself deep inside Dean’s soul, the only place it would ever be happy.

Just thinking about him now made Castiel’s heart race with joy, butterflies dancing from the tips of his toes to the corners of his ears, warmth spreading through his gut and heating him up through the frigid rain that wouldn’t stop falling.

He was in love, and he couldn’t say a word.

Why? Because Dean was going off to college. With Lisa Braeden, his girlfriend. 

Just like that, his heart twisted in pain, and Castiel stared at his shoes, wishing that the water on his face was just the rain alone. 

Dean loved someone else. Castiel loved him, but he couldn’t have him. Nothing was more worse in the entire world. 

“Stupid,” he muttered, kicking at the mud. “So stupid.”

Dean told him the week before, with a sloppy grin and a pat on the back. “Heading to Cali’ on her heels. Has me wrapped around her finger, I think.”

Dean wasn’t wrong. Lisa had a firm hold on the man that wouldn’t sway. They’d been dating since ninth grade, the very year Castiel first developed feelings for his friend. They were the couple that everyone said would make it. They would probably get married by the end of college, have kids and the perfect life everyone always knew they would. 

But Castiel would be alone. And that’s what his mother always told him, which made everything that much worse.

He sniffed and rubbed his eyes. His phone was buried in his pocket, no doubt wet by now. He wanted to call Dean, tell him the truth before he left for California in the morning. But what would that do? Bring rejection that much sooner? What if Dean laughed? Or worse, what if he walked away? Castiel wasn’t sure he would be able to survive that. 

But his phone burned in his pocket, and his fingers twitched with need. Rejection would sting, but not telling Dean would be death. 

So there he sat, in the rain, crying, wishing this wasn’t his life and that he’d fallen in love with anyone else other than Dean Winchester. But it was his life, and he was stuck with it. No matter what. For better or worse.

His hand trembled as he reached for his phone. It was cold in his hands, and shook as he brought it up to look at the screen. His eyes widened.

Four missed calls, all from Dean. 

Hands shaking faster now, he quickly dialed back and pressed the phone to his ear. Dean picked up on the second ring. 

“Cas! Damn it, where are you? I’ve been calling you forever!”

Castiel took a heavy, shaking breath and lowered his eyes. “I-I’m at t-the park.” His teeth chattered against his will and he bit down to keep silent. The cold was biting him on all sides, and he didn’t want to make this harder than it had to be.

“The park?! What the hell man, it’s freezing outside. Don’t you know it’s raining?”

“I-I no-t-ticed.” 

“Shit. Okay, I’m two blocks away from you. Hold on.”

Castiel frowned, unsure what Dean meant. Was he driving? Why? What had he been trying to call Castiel about? 

He bit his lip and watched the streets. Before long a watered down black impala sped past, parking just a ways off and a figure climbed out.

It was Dean. His phone was pressed against his ear, and Castiel could hear his labored breaths.

“Coming,” Dean said, and soon enough, they stood in front of each other, phones till on, looking at each other like idiots.

“What the hell, man?” Dean breathed, finally breaking the silence. “You’re soaking!”

Castiel shivered and didn’t reply. Dean cursed again and pocketed his phone, taking off his jacket and covering Castiel with it. 

“You’re gonna’ kill yourself like this. What are you doing?”

“G-Getting up... t-the co-courage.” Castiel wouldn’t meet Dean’s eyes. He couldn’t bear to look at him like this.

“What?”

Castiel felt like his jaw was made of lead. His lips didn’t part and no words came forward. He was stuck in time, desperate not to change a thing. Why couldn’t Dean just stay? Why did he have to be straight? Why did he have to date Lisa? Why did he have to go to California with her?

Castiel had been silent for too long, because Dean finally spoke.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Cas,” Dean said. “I even went by your house and asked your dad where to find you. He said he never came home after your art class.”

Castiel nodded. Dean sighed and ran a hand down his face.

“I... I needed to tell you something, Cas.” Dean’s eyes were wide, pink touching his cheeks like they were kids again about to do something secret.

“Y-Yes?”

“I... I broke up with Lisa. I’m not going to Cali.’” 

“W-What?” Castiel’s jaw dropped, loosened instantly. “Wha-at a-are you--”

“It just happened. I had to, Cas. I couldn’t go through with it, not after everything--”

“A-After what?” Castiel demanded. Lisa was Dean’s  _life_. Those two had been together through everything. What could possibly be more important than going to college with his high school sweet heart?

Dean blushed scarlet and pulled away, glaring at the ground. “I told her something, Cas. A secret. A big one.”

“And?”

Dean shook his head, water droplets flying. “I needed to tell you something. But I didn’t have the balls to do it until it was almost too late.”

Castiel’s eyes widened, watching in shock as Dean knelt before him, taking his empty hands into his. 

“Cas,” Dean breathed, “I... I can’t go to California with Lisa.”

“W-Why?”

“Because,” Dean licked his lips, visibly summoning the courage. “Because I don’t love her. Not the way I love somebody else.”

Castiel stared. He couldn’t possibly mean--

“I need you. More than Lisa, more than anybody. I... I realized I can’t do this without you.”

There were no words. His hands tightened over Dean’s, heart pounding harder than anything he’d ever felt in his life. 

“Y-You... n-need me?” Damn the shivering. He would never live this moment down. 

Dean laughed, an aborted, anxious sound. “Y-Yeah... Yeah, Cas. I need you. Please, I just... Just tell me it’s not just me.”

Water spilled down Castiel’s cheeks. It wasn’t the rain, and this time it wasn’t there because of pain of heartbreak. 

Tears of joy were falling everywhere, and before Dean could blink, Castiel had hold of his jacket and pulled him up for a searing kiss.

His lips tasted like cinnamon and apple pie. It was everything he’d ever dreamed of and more, hot like the summer day and more brilliant than sunlight. Castiel swore he saw stars when Dean kissed him back, lips moving and arms encircling him until nothing existed between them but their chests and beating hearts.

Castiel could have been dreaming, but no dream would ever be this real, or this good. 

When they parted, they were both breathless. Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes, lines of laughter crinkling around his lashes and around his smiling lips. 

“Thank God,” Dean breathed. 

“Agreed,” Castiel whispered, and pulled him in for more. 

Thank God indeed. Neither of them could do this life without the other, and now, they would never have to.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: lovefromdean.tumblr.com


End file.
